


Mary's Journal

by samuletkeeper



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Journal, POV Mary Winchester, Resurrected Mary Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 01:40:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18713929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samuletkeeper/pseuds/samuletkeeper
Summary: Mary starts writing her own journal after being brought back to life by Amara





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to start writing Mary's journal. It's canon she used to write on one before she died and it just made sense to me to make her start writing a new one after she came back.  
> Besides, I think it's important to give her a voice. It will be a WIP that will start at season 12 and will hopefully continue as long as Mary Winchester is on the show. I thank the Emu RP Family for the inspiration.
> 
> Constructive criticism is always welcomed. :)

October 22, 2016

The last time I wrote in a journal was 33 years ago. It was Halloween night after I put a very happy but tired 4 year old Dean Winchester to bed after he talked himself to sleep about his adventures at trick or treats with John. It was his first Halloween and Dean was so excited with his firefighter costume. He talked about dreaming to be one when he grew up. I guess helping and saving people was part of Dean from the start.

The reason why I haven’t written on a journal for such a long time was because I had been dead for three decades. I’ve heard of cases of people coming back from the dead before, but not like this...being brought back to life by God’s sister. It was so surreal. When Dean told me things about my family and my life to prove he was indeed my son, everything about that night came rushing back: Sam crying on his crib, John running into the nursery, Dean taking Sam away in his arms, the pain and those yellow eyes.

A lot of things happened in the last two days since Dean found me walking in the park at night. I found out the Men of Letters really exist and that Dean and Sam have been living in their bunker. Before that they were just stories told by some old hunters when they had one cheap whiskey too many.

I’ve met an angel...another thing I thought it was just a myth. He wears a trenchcoat and his name is Castiel. I almost shot him when I first saw him but Dean kept that from happening thank goodness. I could see Castiel was a friend and a family to Dean and Sam. I’ve never thought they would have an actual angel looking out for them.

Dean spent the whole day walking on egg shells around me. I don’t blame him. We don’t know how to act around each other and we were trying to act normal in a situation that’s anything but. I found out Dean was afraid to overwhelm me...it’s gonna take some time to figure some things out.

In the meantime, we had to find Sam. Time was ticking out and Sam was hurt. There was also the chance that whoever took Sam wouldn’t let him live. I feared not only something worse happening to Sam but also not knowing how I was going to face him when we got him back. That demon would’ve never come after Sam if it wasn’t for the deal I made.

We found out the British Men of Letters, one of their representatives to be exact, had kidnapped Sam. She tortured Sam and Dean and almost killed me too. Mick Davies is one of their representatives as well...more of a bureaucrat. He came with the idea of us American hunters working with them. I don’t know what to think of it but time will tell what they’re really up to.

Sam and I talked a little after the rescue mission and he gave me John’s journal to help me catch up on all the things that happened while I was gone. I spent most of the night reading his journal and it was nothing like I expected. John wasn’t a person who used to write in journals but he started one right after I died.

He knew I kept a journal and now I can’t help think if he read it, we could’ve been prepared for what happened that night. Or I could’ve at least told him the truth about me and my family but I never had the courage to do it. So, the only thing I could do was to write it all down in a journal in the hopes of showing it to John one day.

The John I saw in that journal broke my heart. It was hard seeing that John was completely different

from the John I knew, loved, married and had a family with. The John I knew was optimistic, funny, light-hearted and always open. The John who wrote the journal was hurt by grief and consumed by revenge. He raised our sons to be hunters...which was a burden I never wanted for them. That was the main reason I left the hunting life behind me.

Sam told me having me here filled the biggest of blanks. I hope I feel the same way about them one day. I love my sons, but they’re not the sons I knew and I’m not the mother they knew. A lot has changed and I have to figure it out a way to deal with it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary writes about going on a hunt. 
> 
> No Warnings.

October 26, 2016

Found a potential case in Minnesota. Two dead bodies were found in a locked room of an abandoned house. One of the victims had called 911 about a baby crying inside the house.  
I decided to take a look. 

Since I’m back and I need something to do, I might as well go out on a hunt. Let’s see how this goes. It’s weird to be back on the saddle after so long.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Characters: Mary, Dean, Sam, Castiel 
> 
> No Warnings

October 29, 2016

The hunt didn’t go the way I expected. I was a little rusty and made a rookie’s mistake by going in alone in the Chamberlin house. I had a hunch about the kid I saw. I called his mother and my instinct was that Julian was afraid and needed help. If it weren’t for Dean and Sam…I don’t even like to think about what could’ve happened.

I went hunting to avoid dealing with what happened. I threw myself right into it for the wrong reason, got possessed by an angry ghost and I almost got Dean killed.

This hunt affected me in ways I didn’t predict. It felt too close to home. A small kid needing help…a father who lost himself, consumed by grief. It shook me to my core.

The last few days– between the nightmares about how I died, the memories of heaven and reading John’s journal many times over - I haven’t been sleeping well. And now this hunt happened. It’s just too much to process. And feeling displaced doesn’t help.

Castiel told me I belong here, but I know that isn’t true.

The life I knew doesn’t exist anymore. I miss John and I miss my boys…I miss how they once were. I didn’t just lose John. I lost my boys too. The Dean and Sam I knew are gone and the ones I see in front of me every day I feel like they’re strangers. I’m not at home…not for now, at least.

Until a few days ago, I was with John, a 4 year old Dean and a baby Sam in heaven. Those memories are so fresh in my mind…it hurts more to think about all those moments we had together in heaven and all the moments I never had with them on earth.

I have to go. I have to clear my head, put my thoughts and this new life in order. I have to find my place and myself in this new world. As much as it hurts me and Dean and Sam, it’s something I need to do before I can be the mother they need and deserve.

I hope Dean and Sam understand why I have to go…or at least – in time – forgive me for leaving them again.


End file.
